How Lateral Complaining Silently Damages Culture

Every December, something interesting happens to me. I read more. I reflect more. I observe my habits, my team, my relationships, and my life with greater clarity. This December, one of the books that caught my attention was Up Down or Sideways by Mark Sanborn. While the entire book is filled with powerful insights, one concept stopped me in my tracks because I’ve seen it over and over again in both workplaces and personal relationships: lateral complaining.

Lateral complaining is simple in definition but complex in impact. It’s when someone voices complaints to people on their same level, colleagues, peers, or friends, rather than addressing the concern with the person who can genuinely help fix it. On the surface, it looks harmless. It can even sound like venting or casual conversation. But under the surface, it spreads like a quiet virus, creating negativity, dividing teams, and pulling energy away from solutions.

What makes lateral complaining so dangerous is that half the time, people don’t even realize they’re doing it. Humans naturally seek connection, and sometimes complaining feels like a shortcut to bonding. “You feel this way, too? Great, let’s talk about it.” But that moment of connection comes with the cost. It lowers morale, slows progress, and fosters a culture of whispering rather than problem-solving.

In organizations, lateral complaining is like letting a hole form in the roof. It may start small, but if left unattended, the drip becomes a leak, and soon everyone is scrambling to manage the damage that could have been prevented. The same thing happens in personal relationships, friendships, marriages, and family dynamics. When people avoid addressing concerns directly with the person involved, it leads to assumptions, unnecessary conflict, and emotional distance.

The tricky part is that the environment created by lateral complaining feels normal to the people inside it. It becomes a culture. It becomes “just how we talk.” And that is precisely why leaders,  and anyone who wants healthy relationships, have to be intentional about eliminating it.

So how do you do that? How do you transform a culture built on sideways conversations into one where people speak with clarity, courage, and purpose? Here are a few powerful ways to stop lateral complaining from taking root:

1.     Encourage direct communication.
Most people complain sideways because they don’t feel confident speaking up or don’t know how. Give people language. Give them tools. Sometimes saying, “Here’s what I was expecting, and here’s what happened instead,” is all someone needs to start a productive conversation.

2.     Create psychological safety.
People complain laterally when they fear backlash. When teams know they can respectfully voice concerns upward without repercussion, the entire dynamic changes. Leaders must model calmness, openness, and appreciation for feedback,  even when the input is uncomfortable.

3.     Redirect the energy.
When someone brings a complaint sideways, gently shift the conversation toward action. Ask, “Have you shared this with the person who can help you fix it?” or “What outcome do you want?” The goal isn’t to silence them; it’s to empower them.

4.     Don’t participate in the cycle.
Gossip and complaining require fuel. When you remove yourself from the cycle, the fire naturally weakens. You can listen without engaging, and you can support without enabling. Simply choosing neutral language or guiding the person toward a solution changes everything.

5.     Build a culture that celebrates solutions.
Highlight people who solve problems, not those who point them out, and reward initiative. Celebrate collaboration. When people see that solutions are valued more than complaints, they naturally rise to the standard.

6.     Strengthen self-awareness.
Much of lateral complaining comes from unconscious habit. Encouraging emotional intelligence, reflection, and maturity helps people recognize when they’re defaulting to unproductive patterns.

When organizations and relationships remove lateral complaining, they experience a noticeable shift. The atmosphere becomes lighter. Trust increases. Productivity rises. And most importantly, people feel supported rather than drained. The conversations become more honest and more efficient, and the culture becomes one where progress is possible.

Sanborn’s book reminded me of something powerful: you can’t always control what’s happening up, down, or sideways in life. But you can control how you communicate, how you show up, and how you contribute to the environment around you. Lateral complaining may be typical, but it doesn’t have to be your norm. With awareness, courage, and intention, you can replace it with clarity, accountability, and real solutions, and that shift will elevate every part of your life.

If December is the month of reflection, let it also be the month of change. Keep growing.