When You’re Married, You Become a Team

I am fully convinced that there is a segment of people who simply do not understand how marriage works, or at least how some of us choose to make marriage work.

Marriage, to me, is not two people constantly protecting their individual territory. It is two people deciding that they are going to operate as one team. You still have two personalities, two opinions, two backgrounds, and two ways of looking at the world. But when it comes to the relationship, you are building one life together.

Something happened today that reminded me of this.

My wife told me she wanted to change her perfume, so we went to Dillard’s to find her something new. If you have ever spent time at a perfume counter, you know that after smelling fragrance number six, seven, or eight, your nose starts waving a white flag. Eventually, everything starts smelling like a chemistry experiment.

Usually, perfume counters have coffee beans available to help reset your sense of smell between fragrances. My wife had reached the point where the fragrances were beginning to blend together, so I suggested we find a counter with coffee beans.

The sales clerk told us they did not use them anymore and that they were pointless. I said, “Well, let’s go somewhere that has some so we can actually make a good decision.”

The clerk then turned directly to my wife and asked, “But what do you want to do?”

That moment stood out to me because it seemed like she interpreted my suggestion as me making a decision for my wife. That was not what was happening at all. My wife and I were making a decision together. We had the same objective: find her a perfume she loved without spending the rest of the afternoon wondering whether we were smelling perfume or industrial-strength window cleaner.

As we walked away, I noticed another fragrance counter that had coffee available. I told my wife, “Sit right here. I’ll be back.”

She probably thought I was going to the bathroom.

Nope.

I walked over to the Barnes & Noble coffee shop and bought some coffee beans.

I came back to Dillard’s, found another salesperson, pulled out my beans, and we continued our fragrance adventure. Eventually, my wife found some fragrances she really liked.

Then came the funniest part.

We discovered that Dillard’s had not stopped using coffee beans. That particular counter had simply run out that day.

All of that for some coffee beans!

But the experience reminded me of something much bigger.

People sometimes assume that because my wife and I are married, we must argue like they see couples arguing on television or social media. We do not.

Do we disagree? Of course.

We are two intelligent adults. We can have different opinions about how something should be handled. But disagreement does not have to become disrespect, and a difference of opinion does not have to become an argument.

We have a simple rule in our marriage: If it is not going to matter five years from now, we are not going to allow it to consume five minutes right now.

That philosophy has saved us a tremendous amount of unnecessary stress.

There are even times when I would rather apologize and restore peace than spend an hour proving that I am technically correct. Being right is sometimes overrated. Peace in your home is priceless.

I also believe strongly that I am my wife’s protector. If someone mistreats her, I take that seriously because what affects her affects me. That does not mean she cannot speak for herself. She absolutely can. It means she never has to wonder whether her husband is standing beside her.

We also practice transparency.

I share my location with my wife at all times. Some people have actually criticized me for that. I tell them they would really be surprised to learn that my children can see my location too.

And you know what?

It has eliminated an entire category of unnecessary questions, misunderstandings, and miscommunication.

“Where are you?”

Look at the phone.

“Did you make it?”

Look at the phone.

“Are you still at work?”

You already know.

For us, transparency is not about surveillance or control. It is about convenience, trust, safety, and eliminating unnecessary confusion.

Every marriage is different, and every couple has to determine what works for them. I can only speak for mine. What works for us is partnership, transparency, protection, communication, forgiveness, and peace.

Marriage has taught me that sometimes you have to stop keeping score. Sometimes you apologize. Sometimes you compromise. Sometimes you go buy coffee beans from Barnes & Noble because your wife wants a new perfume.

That is marriage.

You are still two individuals, but you have made a commitment to build one life.

And when you truly understand that level of partnership, marriage begins to look a lot less like two people competing against each other and a lot more like two people determined to win together.